I Hate Endings
by Elikimber
Summary: Once again on Trenzalore, the Doctor realizes he may be close to his final battle, and he's ready to die, but there's one thing left to do; one goodbye that must be said, and one secret that must be told. There is only one time he could ever tell anyone his name; only one time he could, and that time is now.
1. Chapter 1

Before she died, River described a farewell scene between herself and the Doctor. This is my version of how that scene would play out if it appeared in the Christmas episode.

Clara ran to the Doctor as he stumbled into the TARDIS, Tasha following close behind. "Doctor, what happened?" Clara cried as she helped Tasha support the Doctor.

"No time to explain, Clara," the Doctor said as he pushed his way out of their arms. "I don't have much time."

"Time for what?"

"I need to go see River, now!"

Clara stopped in her tracks. "River? But, isn't she . . . dead?"

"At some points in time, yes. In others, she's still alive."

"Can you do that?" Clara asked as she followed the Doctor through the corridors of the TARDIS, unsure of where the Doctor was going. "Can you just go back and visit someone after they died?"

"Ordinarily, no," he said as they entered what Clara could only describe as a giant closet, filled with outfits of every kind. "At least, not without complications. But River is an exception. As we are both time travelers, we never met in the right order. My showing up at this point in my time line at a different point in hers is not as illicit as it normally would be, and right now, it's exactly what I have to do."

"But Doctor, why?"

"Now," the Doctor said, ignoring her question and looking at himself in a six-foot tall mirror. "I need to clean myself up. She can't suspect anything's wrong."  
"Doctor, why do you have to see River now?"

The Doctor sighed and turned to her. "The first time I met River Song, she died. Later, I found that she and I were living our time lines backwards. The end of our time together for her was the beginning for me, and vice versa. But she told me that day, the day she died, that the last time she had seen me, I took her to Darilium and gave her my screwdriver. That's what I have to do now."  
"But why now?"

"Because River Song knew my name before she died!" he practically shouted at her. "There's only one time I'd ever tell anyone my name," he said, quietly this time. "Only one time I could. At my death."

"Wait, death? What do you mean, death?"

"Clara, we're on Trenzalore. You've seen what I'm up against. This is it. My last great battle. My grave. This is where I die. This is when I give River my screwdriver. This is when I tell her my name. If I don't do this now, it changes my entire time line."

"Now," he said, turning back to the mirror and making a face at his appearance. "I think a change of clothes is in order." He began scanning the room, presumably looking for a new, less tattered outfit. "Aha!" he said, finally, and reached into the racks. He pulled out a black suit with a white dress shirt and a black bow tie. Clara turned her back as the Doctor changed into his new outfit. When she turned back around, the Doctor was once again looking in the mirror, this time fussing with his hair.

Whatever skirmish the Doctor had gotten himself into outside of the TARDIS had apparently wreaked havoc on his hair. It was burned in places and lay unevenly over his forehead. "Now, what to do about the hair? The minute she sees it, she'll be suspicious. Unless . . ." the Doctor's eyes widened. "Of course! A new suit and a haircut," he muttered. "Clara! Get a pair of scissors!"

Clara stared in shock for a moment, but did what she was told. She worked as quickly and as neatly as she could, trying to save as much of his hair as possible, but when she had finished cutting away all of the burnt and damaged hair, there wasn't much left. "It's much . . . shorter than it was," Clara warned him before she let him look in the mirror. "I'm sorry."

The Doctor winced when he saw his reflection, but after a moment, he turned away from the mirror and left the room. "It's only hair. It doesn't matter. Now, Clara, I need you to stay here with Tasha on Trenzalore."

"You're leaving me?"

"Only for a few moments. River doesn't know you, and I won't be able to explain. I'll come back just a few minutes after I leave, I promise. You won't even notice I'm gone."

"Are you sure about that? You're not very . . . punctual."

The Doctor stopped in his tracks and rounded on Clara. "Clara, I promise. I won't leave you on this planet alone."

Clara's teasing smile disappeared when she saw the Doctor's somber expression. "Ok. I'll be waiting for you."

Clara stepped out of the TARDIS with Tasha, and waved at the Doctor before he closed the doors and disappeared.


	2. Chapter 2

The Doctor straightened his bow tie as he prepared to land just outside of River's prison cell. Ordinarily, he'd be concerned about getting his timing right, but he knew he'd end up exactly where and when he was supposed to. After all, for River, this had already happened. She told him they had met like this before she went to the library. It had to be now.

When the TARDIS landed, he stepped out, a bit hesitant. He knew this was the last time he would ever see River, but she couldn't know that. He couldn't let on that this was anything more than an ordinary visit, just one of their date night adventures.

"Well, what do we have here?" she called from behind bars. "Come back for more, have you?"

The Doctor smiled. "Always." He pointed his sonic at the lock and opened it. "Hello, dear," he said when River stepped through the open door.

"It's you," River said, sounding surprised.

"Who else would it be?"

"No, it's actually you. You're the Doctor that knows me; you know who I am." Without warning, she threw her arms around him. He was a bit taken aback by the gesture. As often as he hugged his companions, he and River had never shared many. Still, he welcomed the embrace and hugged her back tightly. When they finally broke apart, River looked slightly embarrassed. "Sorry; it's just that the last time I saw you, you barely knew anything about me. You had no idea who I was. It's nice to be back with the older you. I missed you."

"I missed you too."

"So, where are we going?"

"Oh, just a little planet called Darilium."

"The singing towers? Oh, Sweetie!"

"Come on, let's go."

And they did go. For once, they spent a day together as though they were a normal couple. They held hands as they listened to the towers. They laughed with each other as they shared their memories. For just a moment, it felt like this could be the entire universe, right here with this woman. No Trenzalore. No final battle to fight. No death.

But all of that was still there. And Clara was out there. Nothing could change that. His grave was on Trenzalore, and that is where he needed to be.

Before he could leave, he had to say goodbye, somehow without River knowing it was his last goodbye. "River," he said as they lay in the grass, her head on his shoulder. "I . . . I-"

"Sweetie, what's wrong?" She looked at him with her eyes filled with concern. "You're crying." He let her wipe away the few tears he had let roll down his cheeks.

"Sorry," he said, trying to gain his composure. He had expected her to interrogate him about the reason he was crying, but she stayed silent, holding his hands in hers. "River, you know I've travelled with a number of companions," he began. "And I've cared very much for each one. But, you know, I've never really trusted any of them; not entirely, anyway."

"Of course not," she said with a smile. "The person you trust most in the universe is yourself."

"Yes, well, that certainly used to be true. But you changed that. Before you, I was always the cleverest one in the room; no one knew more than me. Until you. You knew more about me than I did. And worst of all, you wouldn't tell me anything. I had to learn to trust you."

"And did you?"

"Reluctantly at first, but then I learned that I could trust you. That you were loyal, that you-"

"I loved you? Still do, you know."

He smiled back at her. "River, I trust you completely with my life, with everything, and I'm going to give you the two most important things I possess." He reached into his jacket pocket.

"Oh, Doctor, not your sonic screwdriver! You'd never give that away to anyone!"

"True, which is what makes it perfect."

River looked at the screwdriver solemnly. "I'll use it well."

"I know you will." He watched her for a moment as she inspected the screwdriver.

"What else could you possibly have to give me that is more important than this?"

"My secret. River, I am about to tell you something that I've never told another living person. The secret no one in the universe knows but me: my name." Before she could protest, he leaned over and whispered his name in her ear.

"Oh, Doctor," she said, her eyes closing. "That is beautiful." He took her hand and led her back to the TARDIS. As they travelled back to River's prison, neither spoke, but River kept her hand on his.

When they landed, the Doctor turned and brushed the hair from her face and looked at her; really looked at her. She was older now than he remembered her being. Of course, the only other times he had seen her this age, he had only just met her. Still, her eyes shone with life, looking forward to each new adventure, ready to do so much more. And yet, here, their lives would end. Both of them were going to their deaths. Maybe now, then, would be the best time to speak the words he had never been able to bring himself to say.

"River, there's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time," the Doctor started. "But it's something I never say, and I'm not sure I should even say it now, but-"

"Hush, Sweetie," River said, putting a finger to his lips.

"But I-"

"Hush. It doesn't need saying." And of course, it didn't. He pulled her close and kissed her, perhaps more tenderly than he ever had before. When they pulled apart, she smiled at him and said, "By the way, I love you too."

As she turned to leave, he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes again, but River either didn't notice or, more likely didn't disregarded it, perhaps understanding that he could never answer her questions.

At the door, she turned and blew him a kiss, saying, "Until next time, Sweetie."

But he couldn't escape this goodbye. There would be no 'next time,' no 'see you later.' This time, he had to say it. "Goodbye, River."


	3. Chapter 3

"Okay, we need a plan," Clara said to Tasha.

"For what?"

"For what to do for the next few days, or weeks."

"But I thought the Doctor said he would be back in a few minutes."

"Yes, well, the Doctor doesn't always arrive exactly when he means to. He-" But before she could finish her sentence, the familiar whirring of the TARDIS interrupted her. Sure enough, just as he said, the Doctor had come back just a few moments after he had left.

Clara waited expectantly at the door, but it didn't open. "Doctor?" she called. She tried to door, but, as she expected, it was locked. "Doctor?" she called again, louder this time. "Doctor, are you alright?"

Suddenly, the doors burst open, and before she could say "Hello," the Doctor's arms were around her, pulling her into a tight hug. She stood there for a moment, confused, but then she felt the dampness on her shoulder and noticed the Doctor's back heaving as he sobbed into her shoulder.

She held him as he cried, but it wasn't long before he recovered, and when he pulled away, there was little evidence of his tears. He wouldn't look at her right away, as though he was embarrassed or ashamed of his show of emotion. She reached out and put her hand on his shoulder. He placed his hand over hers and squeezed it. "She was always right, you know," he sniffled. "I hate endings."


End file.
